Masonic Forum Home Search Members Calendar Who's On Welcome Guest ( Login | Register ) Recent PostsRecent Posts Popular TopicsPopular Topics Home » General » Knobs & Excrescences » THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo 368 posts, Page 31 of 37«««2930313233»»» THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo Rate Topic Display Mode Topic Options Author Message sjdobbysjdobby Posted 15/12/2009 09:51 Journeyman Group: Forum Members Last Login: 24/08/2010 15:43 Posts: 121, Visits: 906 One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther headingrapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down tochew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as thepanther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that wasone delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look ofterror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.. "Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearlyhad me!"Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the panther. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after thepanther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. Thesquirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes adeal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that connivingcanine!"Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel onhis back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn'tseen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old GermanShepherd says..."Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me anotherpanther!" SimonUGLE / Lodge of Unity #132, Ringwood, HampshireInitiated Mar-2008, Passed Dec-2008, Raised Apr-2009http://twitter.com/sjdobby http://www.facebook.com/house.elf Post #16497 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 17/12/2009 01:36 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Today @ 00:44 Posts: 1,011, Visits: 2,841 It is late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Michigan asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.' The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.' 'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked. The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.' Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #16572 Alan CampbellAlan Campbell Posted 18/12/2009 12:05 Past Master Group: Forum Members Last Login: Yesterday @ 23:19 Posts: 1,102, Visits: 1,340 Just for those who might over indulge during the festive season:-THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. Cinnamon5. PhenomenalTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder4. Transubstantiate5. PhenomenonTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.7. I'm not interested in fighting you.8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have nocoordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lotor on the side of the road.10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning. Post #16603 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 01/01/2010 20:56 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Today @ 00:44 Posts: 1,011, Visits: 2,841 The Frog and Golf A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when He notices a frog sitting next to The green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, heh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." "They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across The table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. "And that is how the girl ended up in my room Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods." Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #16917 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 02/01/2010 00:59 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Today @ 00:44 Posts: 1,011, Visits: 2,841 Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN.... --- against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people. Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #16926 KeithKeith Posted 11/01/2010 04:51 Fellow Group: Forum Members Last Login: 05/09/2010 23:09 Posts: 354, Visits: 656 We are all accustomed nowadays to organ transplants - kidneys, heart, lungs etc. I heard that the Johns Hopkins Hospital and Medical School ion Baltimore has been doing brain transplants. At a news conference, someone asked what the price was for a brain. The doctor said that male brains are $5000, female brains are $1000, When asked why the disparity in prices he said that they were forced to discount the price of the female brains - they had been used. Keith PM. Waimarino 175 Kaimanawa 426 Waikato Lodge of Research 445 Taupo, New Zealand Post #17161 Stu ThorpeStu Thorpe Posted 13/01/2010 10:52 Forum Moderator Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 12:05 Posts: 256, Visits: 696 Little girl says to her mum - "Mummy, you're getting rather fat!" Mum replies "Yes darling, but you know there's a baby growing in my tummy!" Daughter replies "So what's growing in your arse?" Stuart Thorpe Forum Moderator Forest of Arden Lodge No 3826 MEZ Shenstonian Chapter No 5544 Shenstonian Lodge No 5544 Post #17238 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 14/01/2010 02:10 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Today @ 00:44 Posts: 1,011, Visits: 2,841 DUI - MICHIGAN STYLE (Only a person in da U.P. OF MICHIGAN could think of this) From a region (da U.P.) where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story . Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Engadine, Michigan. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--they worked fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Yooper. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.' Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #17285 Peter LortonPeter Lorton Posted 17/01/2010 12:45 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 03/07/2010 15:19 Posts: 27, Visits: 52 A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!' The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !" Post #17428 Stu ThorpeStu Thorpe Posted 17/01/2010 16:50 Forum Moderator Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 12:05 Posts: 256, Visits: 696 Can I please add another reminder - if cutting and pasting jokes from other sources such as e-mails, please re-format them yourself - it will take we moderators much less time to delete them than edit them for you, so that may be the route we have to take! Stuart Thorpe Forum Moderator Forest of Arden Lodge No 3826 MEZ Shenstonian Chapter No 5544 Shenstonian Lodge No 5544 Post #17436 « Prev Topic | Next Topic » 368 posts, Page 31 of 37«««2930313233»»» Reading This Topic Active Users: 0 (0 guests, 0 members, 0 anonymous members) Forum Moderators: Mike Martin, Stu Thorpe, Tom Cherup Forum Jump... ---------------- Forum Home Search Members List Calendar Who's Online ---------------- Site Announcements |-- Announcements General |-- Greetings to our New Forumites |-- General Masonic Discussion |-- Masonic History (Legend -V- Fact) |-- Ritual - Esoteric & Symbols |-- Travellers' Diary & Dates |-- The Reading/Watching Room |-- The Appendant Degrees and Orders |-- Feminine & Co-Masonry |-- Knobs & Excrescences All times are GMT, Time now is 1:38am Powered By InstantForum.NET v4.1.4 © 2010 Execution: 0.092. 11 queries. Compression Disabled.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down tochew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as thepanther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that wasone delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look ofterror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees..
"Whew!" says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearlyhad me!"Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearbytree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it forprotection from the panther.
So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after thepanther with great speed, and figures that something must be up. Thesquirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes adeal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that connivingcanine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel onhis back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running,the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn'tseen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old GermanShepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me anotherpanther!"
UGLE / Lodge of Unity #132, Ringwood, HampshireInitiated Mar-2008, Passed Dec-2008, Raised Apr-2009http://twitter.com/sjdobby http://www.facebook.com/house.elf
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Innovative2. Preliminary3. Proliferation4. Cinnamon5. PhenomenalTHINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Specificity2. Anti-constitutionalistically3. Passive-aggressive disorder4. Transubstantiate5. PhenomenonTHINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.2. Nope, no more booze for me!3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.7. I'm not interested in fighting you.8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have nocoordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lotor on the side of the road.10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
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