Masonic Forum Home Search Members Calendar Who's On Welcome Guest ( Login | Register ) Recent PostsRecent Posts Popular TopicsPopular Topics Home » General » Knobs & Excrescences » THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo 369 posts, Page 3 of 37«««12345»»» THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo Rate Topic Display Mode Topic Options Author Message Dave MongerDave Monger Posted 07/12/2008 09:37 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 05/05/2010 11:44 Posts: 15, Visits: 91 They say that the best days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!Joe and John were identical twins. John owned a dilapidated old boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented the boat to a group of students, who promptly sank it!John spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could and was out of touch with everyone for all of the day and most of the evening.Unbeknownst to him, his brother Joe's wife died suddenly.When he got back to shore, John went to Tescos to get a few things. A kind old woman neighbour mistook him for Joe and said "I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. You must feel terrible."John, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Not at all! As a matter of fact I'm glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a bloody great hole in the front. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I suppose that what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four students looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The bloody fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she just split right up the middle!"The old woman fainted. Dave Relief Chest Supervisor - The Grand Charity The Freemasons' Grand Charity Brownhill Lodge 9246, West KentLetchworth Lodge 3505, LondonLetchworth Chapter RA 3505, LondonLeigh Chapter RA 957, LondonSt James's MMM, LondonCroydon Preceptory KT, SurreyBethlehem Chapter RC, Surrey Post #370 3GP4413GP441 Posted 07/12/2008 10:27 Journeyman Group: Forum Members Last Login: 02/09/2010 20:39 Posts: 184, Visits: 901 A grandad asked his grandson what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a bike, an iPod, some football boots and a Nintendo Wii," he replied. "When I was a boy," said grandad, "all I got was an orange and an apple." "Wow!" said the grandson, "a mobile phone AND a computer?" S&F Jon West PM 1069/441 UGLE MEZ 441 SGCE 180 /Herald 112 A&ASR Post #372 BibamusBibamus Posted 08/12/2008 19:30 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 05/05/2010 10:18 Posts: 5, Visits: 48 40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over quota now. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' 'No! The gates' Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas Post #490 Alan CampbellAlan Campbell Posted 08/12/2008 22:10 Past Master Group: Forum Members Last Login: Yesterday @ 19:56 Posts: 1,101, Visits: 1,343 Man wakes up in the morning after a very heavy night out with the lads, it was that bad he can't remember getting home or into bed. As he is walking downstairs he notices the pictures are off the wall broken, in the kitchen there is a broken vase and a note from his wife. Your breakfast is in the oven see you later darling.Just then his son comes in and he asks him what happened, he said you came home stinking drunk singing very loudly waking up the whole house, you then staggered upstairs knocking all the pictures down and stumbling into the vase on the stand which you broke. then tell me whyyour mother is being so nice to me. Oh thats easy he says. she was getting your clothes off trying to put you to bed and you shouted get off ya slag i'm a married man. Post #498 Mark AdamsMark Adams Posted 09/12/2008 15:00 Journeyman Group: Forum Members Last Login: 07/06/2010 10:07 Posts: 112, Visits: 320 A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter. "Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?" Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a messand he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living."Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation." "Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way." "Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?" The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner." "Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?" Post #549 allybeggsallybeggs Posted 11/12/2008 08:52 Journeyman Group: Forum Members Last Login: Yesterday @ 09:17 Posts: 135, Visits: 272 You need to sing the bit at the end of this joke! A Blonde died and was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first is, which two days of the week start with the letter T?' 'The second is, how many seconds are there in a year?' 'And the third is, 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'OK then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest the answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven... Queen Mary's Lodge 3327LondonGang Warily Post #649 Roy VRoy V Posted 12/12/2008 00:33 Master Group: Forum Members Last Login: 14/08/2010 17:30 Posts: 725, Visits: 1,176 Ally, I'm sure that delightful lady I saw you with in the summer was quite light of hair ... see if Mark Adams will do you a special offer. PM 5770Middlesex Post #687 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 13/12/2008 15:48 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 16:42 Posts: 1,012, Visits: 2,845 A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you? Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #742 vicdaddyvicdaddy Posted 14/12/2008 20:35 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 27/07/2010 22:34 Posts: 18, Visits: 95 After leaving collage a young man started up a business for himself. He got a loan and equipped a small office in a good part of town."Appearance is everything," he told his newly hired secretary. On his first day in business he sat at his polished desk in his smart suit and waited for an idea to occur to him. Just then his sectetary com into the room and announced that there was a gentleman to see him. "Great," thought the young guy "things are moving already." Remembering his own aphorism, he picked up the phone . As the visiter was shown into his office the young man adopted a businesslike frown and shouted into the receiver, "Tell them i won't sell for less than a hundred thousand." Then he slammed the phone down in a businesslike way and smiled at the visitor. "Good morning, and what can I do for you?"he asked. "It's more what I can do for you," said the caller. "I'm here to connect your phone" Regards S&F Bro Peter Hannis Lever Park Lodge 8144 Province of West lancashire Post #777 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 14/12/2008 22:17 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 16:42 Posts: 1,012, Visits: 2,845 While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' Ticket ------------------ $195.00Court Costs ------------- $45.00Look on cops face ------- Priceless Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #778 « Prev Topic | Next Topic » 369 posts, Page 3 of 37«««12345»»» Reading This Topic Active Users: 0 (0 guests, 0 members, 0 anonymous members) Forum Moderators: Mike Martin, Stu Thorpe, Tom Cherup Forum Jump... ---------------- Forum Home Search Members List Calendar Who's Online ---------------- Site Announcements |-- Announcements General |-- Greetings to our New Forumites |-- General Masonic Discussion |-- Masonic History (Legend -V- Fact) |-- Ritual - Esoteric & Symbols |-- Travellers' Diary & Dates |-- The Reading/Watching Room |-- The Appendant Degrees and Orders |-- Feminine & Co-Masonry |-- Knobs & Excrescences All times are GMT, Time now is 4:26am Powered By InstantForum.NET v4.1.4 © 2010 Execution: 0.101. 13 queries. Compression Disabled.
Joe and John were identical twins. John owned a dilapidated old boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented the boat to a group of students, who promptly sank it!
John spent all day trying to salvage as much as he could and was out of touch with everyone for all of the day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother Joe's wife died suddenly.
When he got back to shore, John went to Tescos to get a few things. A kind old woman neighbour mistook him for Joe and said "I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss. You must feel terrible."
John, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Not at all! As a matter of fact I'm glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a bloody great hole in the front. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I suppose that what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four students looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway. The bloody fools tried to get in her all at the same time and she just split right up the middle!"
The old woman fainted.
Just then his son comes in and he asks him what happened, he said you came home stinking drunk singing very loudly waking up the whole house, you then staggered upstairs knocking all the pictures down and stumbling into the vase on the stand which you broke. then tell me whyyour mother is being so nice to me.
Oh thats easy he says. she was getting your clothes off trying to put you to bed and you shouted get off ya slag i'm a married man.
You need to sing the bit at the end of this joke!
A Blonde died and was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the blonde. 'The first is, which two days of the week start with the letter T?' 'The second is, how many seconds are there in a year?' 'And the third is, 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the answers for me.' So the blonde went away and gave the three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'OK then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The blonde said, 'Today and tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest the answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And the blonde entered Heaven...
London
Gang Warily
Middlesex
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as*hole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...' Ticket ------------------ $195.00Court Costs ------------- $45.00Look on cops face ------- Priceless
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