Masonic Forum Home Search Members Calendar Who's On Welcome Guest ( Login | Register ) Recent PostsRecent Posts Popular TopicsPopular Topics Home » General » Knobs & Excrescences » THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo 361 posts, Page 2 of 37««12345»»» THE Jokes Topic - Festive Board Ammo Rate Topic Display Mode Topic Options Author Message 2bcGnosis2bcGnosis Posted 07/12/2008 02:04 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 19/12/2008 10:35 Posts: 14, Visits: 28 One my Grandfather gave me. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t. Post #354 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 07/12/2008 03:17 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 17:20 Posts: 981, Visits: 2,771 After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for SocialSecurity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license toverify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet athome. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go homeand come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'Thatsilver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed mySocial Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at theSocial Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gottendisability, too' . Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #356 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 07/12/2008 03:19 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 17:20 Posts: 981, Visits: 2,771 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and Ikept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at anearby table.My wife asked, "Do you know her?""Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took todrinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear shehasn't been sober since.""My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebratingthat long?" Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #357 Tom CherupTom Cherup Posted 07/12/2008 04:23 Past Master Group: Moderators Last Login: Yesterday @ 17:20 Posts: 981, Visits: 2,771 Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"So, the rancher leaves for the fields.After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on." Tom Cherup Olive Branch Lodge #542 Dearborn, Michigan Olive Branch's web site Detroit Masonic Temple Post #358 Dave MongerDave Monger Posted 07/12/2008 07:47 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 05/05/2010 11:44 Posts: 15, Visits: 91 Inner peace I am passing this on to everyone because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning: I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of famish grarsh, a bottly of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an an box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece!! Dave Relief Chest Supervisor - The Grand Charity The Freemasons' Grand Charity Brownhill Lodge 9246, West KentLetchworth Lodge 3505, LondonLetchworth Chapter RA 3505, LondonLeigh Chapter RA 957, LondonSt James's MMM, LondonCroydon Preceptory KT, SurreyBethlehem Chapter RC, Surrey Post #361 FidelisFidelis Posted 07/12/2008 08:56 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 06/02/2009 07:52 Posts: 16, Visits: 19 One lodge temple had burned down in a fire, so the lodge had to meet into the nearby hotel. One night a visitor comes in and sees a man holding a sword and standing in front of a closed door. He goes to the reception and asks -Excuse me , but what is that man doing here? (receptionist) – Well the local Freemasons are gathering here ,after their lodge burned down . - Ooo I see , this is the secret group that is so hard to get into . Said the visitor. (receptionist) – Yeah it is, this poor bastard had been knocking on that door for months and no one is letting him in. Post #365 FidelisFidelis Posted 07/12/2008 09:04 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 06/02/2009 07:52 Posts: 16, Visits: 19 A man is walking through the recreation ground of his local park when he notices a huge fight in full fury on the football pitch he is passing. "What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines. The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus." "What's the score?" asks the first man. "I don't know, it's a secret." Post #366 FidelisFidelis Posted 07/12/2008 09:05 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 06/02/2009 07:52 Posts: 16, Visits: 19 A small Lodge had had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired. The candidate replied "a beer". At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate. "OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer." Post #367 FidelisFidelis Posted 07/12/2008 09:07 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 06/02/2009 07:52 Posts: 16, Visits: 19 There's a man, walking down the street at 1 in the morning and he's very drunk. A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition? Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry. Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night? Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme! Post #368 FidelisFidelis Posted 07/12/2008 09:13 Apprentice Group: Forum Members Last Login: 06/02/2009 07:52 Posts: 16, Visits: 19 One evening after a brother had been a guest at an installation, he had partaken of too much wine, and his host was very worried, as he did not want him to drive home in his present state which was some distance away, so insisted that he stay the night at his house, and travel home the next morning, and after much persuasion this is what he did. When he got home the next morning, his wife was furious with him because he had forgotten to phone, and she did not believe his story about staying with a brother because of the state he was in, but wondered if he had been with another women, however she pretended to believe him, by asking how the ceremony had gone, and asked how many other brethren had been there and all the regular questions that wives do ask, and he told her that it had been an excellent Lodge meeting and that 65 brethren had turned up, etc. However at the next Lodge meeting when the secretary rose to read out correspondence, he read a letter from the wife asking if the brother where her husband had stayed the night after the last lodge meeting would please write to her and confirm his story that he had stayed the night at his house because he was unfit to drive home. The next day in the post she received 64 letters. 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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for SocialSecurity. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license toverify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet athome. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go homeand come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'Thatsilver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed mySocial Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at theSocial Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gottendisability, too' .
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and Ikept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at anearby table.My wife asked, "Do you know her?""Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took todrinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear shehasn't been sober since.""My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebratingthat long?"
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"So, the rancher leaves for the fields.After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one.... right here."Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Amy explains very confidently.Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Inner peace
I am passing this on to everyone because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning:
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of famish grarsh, a bottly of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an an box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece!!
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